A hunting we will go!

Thirty-two years ago today, in a Wisconsin hospital, the love of my life entered the world. One year ago today, he was subjected to his first Birthday Treasure Hunt. Despite a thirty-one-year disadvantage, Steve quickly mastered the Cohen family's art of present-finding, and three days later produced a grade-A set of clues for his charming fiancée’s hunt.

In a couple of hours, hopefully before the Green Bay Packers kick off against the Minnesota Vikings (and dammit, they owe him a birthday win!), Steve will receive the first of his clues. Can you figure out where his presents will be hiding? Unless you’ve been to my house, it’ll be tough to identify all the hiding places,* but it should be entertaining to see what you come up with!

Clue #1: If you can’t find this present, my parents are going to demand an extra couple of goats.

Clue #2: According to Homer, a woman is a lot like this.

Clue #3: No need to inhale, Clinton style. [this one is a stretch, but I really really really wanted to put a present in this location]

Clue #4: Aha! Eureka! I’ve got it! (The cartoon version)

Clue #5: Arachnophobic’s wet nightmare.

*If any of you gets them all, I’ll come up with some sort of prize. Unless the winner is my mother, in which case I need to start writing harder clues.