Apologies for the continuing blog neglect. The past month or so has brought new resonance to the term "crazy busy." Start with three weekends in a row consumed by an unexpected trip to Wisconsin, an expected trip to New York, and houseguests. Throw in many hours of actual lawyer-type work, mostly in preparation for an oral argument I'm presenting tomorrow, and the day-to-day baby wrangling activities, plus a dash of sleep deprivation and colds all around, and you have yourself a recipe for chaos, or at least no time to blog.
But, chaos aside, things are going beautifully around here. Milo is growing and changing at an astounding pace, and daily amazes us with new expressions, sounds, and skills. (See his blog for more on this front.) I'm enjoying full-time mommying much more than I thought I would, too. Perhaps it's because I know this time is fleeting and temporary, but my days with Milo have become far more enjoyable and fun than boring and hard, and I can tell already that I'm going to miss him immeasurably when I return to work full-time on December 3.
On the other hand, I've really liked keeping my lawyer brain turned partially on during my leave, and I am very excited to argue tomorrow. With the help of both grandmas and Milo's newfound ability to ACTUALLY NAP! DURING THE DAY! I managed to get pretty well prepped. In fact, Milo proved to be a willing and supportive assistant in the process. He didn't ask the most probing questions, but he listened patiently while I practiced my argument over and over again. Perhaps his first sentence will be "May it please the Court."
The other day, a reporter who is also a friend-of-a-friend came by to chat with me. I have a feeling that I'm not quite news-worthy enough to serve her purposes, although it was lovely to meet her. We talked primarily about the intersection between my disabilities and my parenting. As I wrote a few weeks ago, my fears on this front have not materialized, at least at this stage of Milo's life. I feel pretty comfortable moving through the world with Milo, particularly when I'm wearing, rather than pushing him, and the cochlear implant has virtually eliminated the hearing loss as a factor in most parenting situations.
But what I hadn't focused on, until this conversation, was how much having Milo has intensified my fear of becoming completely blind. I've written much in this space over the years about that fear, which lurks always under the surface of my thoughts. When the reporter asked me why having Milo makes me even more afraid of going blind, I started to cry, thinking about how heartbreaking it
will would be to miss seeing - truly seeing - him grow up. And then she started to cry, too, and then we laughed at ourselves, and sort of moved on from that painful moment. It does terrify me, though, and I'm not sure how to handle that fear, other than to memorize his face and his smile and his perfect little body, to soak up the memories of everything I see him doing now, and to continue to hope that some kind of cure/treatment/prosthetic device is on the horizon for my eyes.